My first post.

So I have had this cold (not really sure its a cold so much as a lung problem) that has been keeping me from sleeping very well at night.  This causes many issues.  Since I'm not sleeping my brain has to find ways to fill this time so I begin to dwell on things.  So tonight I've been stuck on this loop on how good of a mom a really am.  I LOVE my children to death and I would do anything for them.  Even give them up if it is what is best.  Something I hope i NEVER have to do again.  But I have a 7 month old who is the light of my life and I started going through all those things us moms seem to do, worrying if I'm doing a good enough job with him.  Am I spending enough time with him, Am I feeding him right, Is he really happy with me, do I really deserve such a great husband and baby with all the mistakes I've made previously in my life?  This is the kind of thinking that always gets me in a bad funk.  I know in my heart that I am a good mom and that I've done the best I can with every situation that has come my way, but there is still that self doubt that hits me every now and again.  So this then gets me thinking about the past and my other children and the rest of my family.  I miss them all so much the pain is too much at times.  So when I cant sleep I look at pages I can see to see how my family is doing and get at least a small glimpse into the lives of the people I miss so much.  Well tonight was very bad timing for me to do this.  I stumbled across my moms myspace that last I say hadn't been updated in years.  It tore my heart from my chest.  She had written a whole thing about all her children and as I read through it I was holding out hope that there would be even the smallest sign that I would have my mom back in my life again.  Instead I find that there is little to no hope.  She holds a lot of things against me still.  Things that I wish I could just sit down with her and talk through them and explain my side.  I hurt everyday over what happened with my family and I wish I could redo that day over again.  I know the choice I made may not have been the best in the world but I was doing the only thing I knew to do under the circumstances.  Maybe that was one of those days where we should have all sat down and talked instead of just getting angry and acting on those impulses.  I wish that was what I had done.  I cant go back and change it but I am sorry for all of it.  We get into a situation and we think we are doing what is best and then looking back you wish you would have done something different.  I was scared and angry and I acted on those emotions instead of trying to talk the problem out.  I know my mom wont every give me the chance to prove how sorry I am or show her that I have changed a lot since then but I really wish she would.  There are still those moments in my life when I wish I had my mom and shes not there anymore.  All I have now are the memories of the few times that were ok with us.  I hold onto those hoping and praying that someday I will have just one more moment like that again.  Just one more hug and I love you.  I love my mom more than she could possibly know and If she ever finds this and reads it I know she wont believe me but I am sorry mom!!!  I wish I could take everything back...I wish I had a time machine so I could make things better.  I wish you would just talk to me again so I can try to make things right.  I LOVE YOU MOM even if you don't consider me your daughter any more.  I am the person I am today because of you and for that I owe you.  Ive learned a lot over the last few years and Ive grown up a lot.  I just wish you were here to see it.